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how motherhood has destroyed me

March 24, 2017

today has been in the top 3 of not so great days since charlie bear was born. i'm writing this with my little being latched to my breast for what feels like the 325th time today. i haven't been able to do anything i needed or wanted to do around the house today as she's been spitting up like mad and fussy all day. she's needed mama, feeding her, loving her, holding her, a l l. d a y. l o n g. so as i sit here, listening to her eat and breathe and exist, it has me thinking about how becoming a mom has just completely and utterly destroyed me.

 

charlie, from the moment i knew you existed you annihilated every facet of my life.

 

you destroyed my concept of the future. instead of dreaming of exotic trips, furthering my career and nights out with friends, all i can think about is how i can make your life incredible and perfect. every decision i make, every plan i make, every moment i cherish brings you to the center of all. you are my north star and my guiding light and i want nothing more than to make your life spectacular.

 

you destroyed my marriage. i can no longer love your father simply as my husband and best friend. because when i look at him now, i see the man who is responsible for half of your genes. the father of my perfect child. the man who strokes your cheek in the morning and says "heeey baby." who gives you a kiss on the head every time he walks in the door. who does anything and everything around the house for me so that i can attend to your needs completely. who has already done everything in his power to create a life for you that will be unbelievable and filled with joy. i didn't know it was possible to love him more than i did, but your dad's love for you makes me love him in an entirely new, and bigger, way.

 

you destroyed my tendency towards impatience. charlie, your mama is not known for her patience. and yet, here you came along and it's as if i'd been stockpiling my patience just for you. you are such a lovely baby who hardly needs stockpiled patience, but my (nearly) 7 weeks with you have taught me how to give myself completely to another person with unwavering love and understanding. you've given me an opportunity to practice and value patience each and every day and i know that i'm a better person because of it.

 

you destroyed my self confidence. i so hope that i will be a good example to you when it comes to self love and body confidence, but it certainly hasn't always been easy for me. when i got pregnant, i was in a pretty good place with myself and you treated me well those 9 months. i had no nasty pregnancy symptoms, most of my body stayed pretty intact and i think i looked pretty darn cute all the way until the end. the only lasting mark you left? a insane sunburst of stretch marks radiating out from my belly button. nowhere else on my body, just a circle of purple, fierce, torn skin. at first, i was pretty disappointed--these aren't the type of stretch marks that are truly going to fade. but every single time i look in the mirror, they remind me of the incredible journey my body went through to create you. for you to grow, i had to give my body to you. and i am so proud of what i was able to do for you. to give you a safe and healthy place to begin your life. and you know what, charlie girl? mama has always rocked one pieces better anyway.

 

you destroyed my concept of strong. oh honey, how i thought i was strong. i'm a dancer and a yogi and i've always considered myself to be strong of mind and body. but that beautiful saturday in february i had to muster all the strength in my soul (and then some) to spend 12 hours laboring to bring you into the world...with no medicine. that day i joined a sisterhood of warrior princesses--moms. i had no idea i could be so strong but i had to be, for you. it was the most peaceful and beautiful labor and i couldn't have asked for a more perfect way to have you join us here on earth. i know now i can do anything if i can create and birth a person.

 

you destroyed my sense of priority. how i can't wait for the day you become a mom, because i really can't explain this one completely. but the things i thought were SO important? those things that kept me up at night, riled me up, pushed me to the edge? turns out, they're just things. things that will never be as important to me again as you are. charlie, i would walk in front of a bus--i'd throw another person in front of a bus--for you. you are my priority now.

 

you destroyed my capacity to love. i will NEVER forget the moment you entered this world. i was lucky enough to get to pull you out myself and, in that moment, my understanding and concept of love was shattered into a million pieces. and then i held you and kissed you and all the pieces came back together, but with a new piece, the biggest piece, YOU, at the center. the love a parent has for a child is completely insane and unparalleled and i can't believe i am so lucky as to get to love YOU all the rest of the days of my life.

 

you destroyed my understanding of faith. when you arrived, so perfect from head to toe, it was impossible not to be rocked to my core. you are truly a gift from god and it is my duty and responsibility to serve him through my love for you. only a mighty and loving god could have created you and blessed us with your presence. i can only hope to do him proud by being the very best mama i can be for you.

 

charlotte, you have destroyed everything i knew, of myself, of the world and of love. and for that i am forever and for always, yours. i love you so much, little bear.

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